COUNTDOWN: 60 days to 60

Today is Saturday June 17, 2017 and it is the 54 day until my 60th Birthday.

Crazy that the days are passing so quickly.

This writing has helped to gain perspective on a few things, and to give me extra purpose in the days and years ahead.

My family and I have had I would say an odd relationship.

Not bad but odd.

I am the eldest child of five.

We lost one brother several years ago.

We, remaining four are two girls and two boys.

I am closer to my sister because I have been around her more than my brothers, know her better, and because we are girls.

Part of the reason for this was I left home when I was sixteen years old.

This was not my choice.

I was always their guide and protector and it hurt me a lot to leave them.

My paternal grandfather had died in a farming accident back “home” and my Dad decided it would be a good idea for me to go and live with my Grandmother.

I was sixteen and she was 72.

I had always loved my Gran and was close to her but the idea of leaving my siblings behind scared me a great deal.

My youngest brother was 8, the other boys were 10 and 11; my sister was 14 when I left home.

I would say that this was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do.

Leaving my babies behind – being the eldest I was always responsible for them and they really did feel like my children.

So as I said, we have an odd relationship.

My sister and I are super close.

The boys feel like my children – most especially the youngest one.

I think it was hard for them, too.

We love each other very much.

I always felt bad that I missed out knowing them better in those years, and then as teenagers.

It also has had an effect on every conversation and get together over the years.

Whenever they spoke of many things – I was not there, and could not be connected to that memory, and that always hurt.

I did not feel included in a way.  Not that it was their fault as it certainly was not the case.

Now that is not to say that we did not see each other during those years we certainly did but not on a day to day basis.

My very core hurt when my middle brother passed away …..

Everyone has something in their life that throws their life into the fire pit.

So family is important to me.

I may not see my “babies” on a regular basis but they are engrained in my very being and with me everyday.

My Mom always treated me as a younger sister and even referred to me, as such.

My Dad well, despite his shortcomings, I loved him.

Families are not all the same.

You do the best that you can.

I am excited for my birthday as my sister and younger brother are coming to stay with me.

So excited to spend time with them.

Your family is your family.

All you can do is the best you can do …..

I am blessed to be a part of this family.

 

Always, Carol

 

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