The Next Chapter

Good Morning. Nothing feels real this morning as I had set the alarm to get up at a certain time so that I could have a shower and get ready for work. Yes, back to the office. I am a little nervous and I am not sure why. So much has been changing over the last two weeks including my personal circumstances with the loss of my beloved Alvin. My life has been turned upside down the past couple of months. Where does one go from here/from there? I am trying to take one day at a time. Alvin has always been in here in the morning except when he visited at his sister’s house or for those handful of times that I was away. He wasn’t sitting on the mat in the bathroom with his back to me while I showered. I did not wake up on the sofa. I no longer have middle of the night trips outside with him. I miss him and everything little thing about him. I ate a banana yesterday morning and I felt guilty as that was his most favourite food ever. Everything in the house reminds me of him. I never want to forget him and what he brought to my life. The joy, laughter and most of all the love. In the early days of going back to work when he was much younger, I remember having to leave him. Making sure he went outside for a pee and maybe even a poop at the last minute before heading out. Ensuring his water dish was filled with clean cool water. Leaving the television on for company until it went into sleep mode. Telling him that I loved him and would see him later after work. The best thing to come out of the Pandemic for me was that for 2.5 years I was able to work from home almost everyday and be with him. I think we would both admit that sometimes we did get on each other’s nerves (trying to smile here). I always said that we were just like an old married couple. But all in all, it was the best time of my life as I was here for him. If he needed to go to the vet right away, I was able to take him. He would lay on one of his beds in the kitchen not far away from my “workspace.” When I had a late breakfast, he would sit beside me on the sofa and I would give him a treat and if I had a banana, we shared that precious fruit. Walks, oh how we loved out walks. Most days if the weather was favourable, we would head out at my lunch break and then again after work. On those days when the weather was hot, we would head out before I started work and then sometimes again after supper if it had cooled down. I loved how he would be with me wherever I was in the house. Since his last surgery on his knee in July of 2021, I seldom allowed him to follow me into the basement, just too many stairs. Sometimes I would just carry him when I was going down for longer than a couple of minutes. When I carried the laundry basket downstairs, he knew what I was doing and would wait patiently near the basement door. Oh, what a guy he was!

Well I suppose I should head downstairs and finish getting ready to leave for work. I am grateful that I have a ride with my coworker to the office. I am also grateful that she will be joining me when we move to the site office. She is changing jobs. There will be a few days, perhaps one week where she will be in training so I will catch the bus. Get this a Senior’s bus pass is $35.00 for one month which is cheaper than buying bus tickets for the week.

My daughter has a dental appointment after work nearby so she will be spending the night. I look forward to seeing her.

Trying to live this life with kindness, respect, compassion, patience, love, laughter, understanding, gratitude, focus, possibilities, coffee and forgiveness.

Always, Carol & Alvin, my forever Angel.

The Next Chapter

Morning, not sure if I when I can say “Good Morning” or good really anything. It is light outside. Spring is coming. A time of birth and renewal but for me it feels anything but. My mind just keeps replaying Alvin’s last week over and over and over again. I hold his little Teddy Bear close to my heart and I cover myself with his blue blanket to try and find some comfort but there is no comfort in death. I feel so lost and so alone without him. I wished that I had done so many things differently. Why didn’t I? Where was my brain? I was so stupid that last week. I knew better. I never wanted to hurt my little buddy. I love, loved him so much. There are moments throughout the day when I busy myself with something and then the guilt, the loss, comes tumbling back again and the tears burn my eyes and stain my face. I long to lay beside him and hear his breathing, his little snores. I listen to the videos of him opening gifts, playing with toys and at least for a moment there is some relief. He was happy then.

Tomorrow is back to work. Perhaps that will be a good thing, I have no idea. There is so much going on there and I feel that I passed on all the anxiety that my job has given me over the last days, months and perhaps even years to Alvin. We forget how sensitive they are to our feelings and why are we not the same in return. I do know in my heart that we had many, many good years together and I am reminded of that by family and friends and photos and memories. If I could just forgive myself for the last week or last few days of his life but I do not want to be reprieved from mistakes that I made. How can I when he was depending on me for his very life. He did not ask for much, really only food and love. To be treated with kindness and respect.

I walked over to the Shoppers Drugmart in our neighbourhood to pick up a bus pass for March. A seniors one, that is hard to believe as I will need that for work for a bit before my coworker is back working in the same office as me. Afterwards I went to Save-On, when I picked up some bananas, I could see Alvin in my mind, standing beside me, wanting a little taste of one of his favourite foods on the planet. I only wished that I had, had some bananas in the house that last week. There are so many if’s flying around my brain, slamming into each other. The air was warm on the walk and it would have been a fine time for us to be out and about enjoying the sunshine. I miss my walks with him.

I am going to make some coffee and then try and get some photos moved from my old computer to the external hard drive while I still can. Each day that computer gets another day older. With the age – I am unable to transfer them all at once so a few hundred at a time. Then it will be figuring out which are which after. So much work when technology gets old.

Continuing to try and live this life with kindness, respect, compassion, patience, love, laughter, understanding, gratitude, focus, possibilities, coffee and I need to add forgiveness although I am not sure if that is in the cards for me.

Always, Carol & Alvin, my forever Angel.

The Next Chapter

Today I am writing two posts. I wanted to write a special one just to Alvin as today is one week since he passed. The sun is shining and the temperatures are rising as I write these words. The house is empty as I listen to the furnace running keeping me warm and the click clack of my fingers on the keyboard. Time just keeps going. Every day since Alvin passed people have reached out to me. There is such love for my little four-legged companion. Many tears have been shed between us all and continue to fall. Forever in our hearts.

Thank you Gillian for popping by over your lunch break to bring a “lemon loaf” and for having coffee with me and just chatting. I appreciate your friendship and support.

Thank you Sara, Carson and Family for the lovely bouquet of flowers and to Sara for stopping by. Alvin would have loved all of the flowers as he always wanted to sniff them whether in the house or outside. He loved when it was springtime and I would be on the deck planting the flower pots.

Last night I was invited to friends Norbert & Irene for a visit. We talked and talked. About Alvin and about the loss of their son last year. So much hurt and so much joy. Irene and I even had several games of Connect Four. I did not win but that was okay. I joked that I was a good loser but in reality win or lose, I actually won to have such amazing people in my life. They sent me home with a gift of chocolate and a beautiful card. I do love chocolate.

Yesterday I always walked over to Alvin’s Doctors, to the clinic where he seemed to be on a very regular basis. I had some unopened items from the last week that I was able to return. Thank you to Brenne for your hugs and for loving Alvin. To Dr. Karen who was just about to go into surgery and could only give an air hug but for your kindness and your love for Alvin. To Michelle, whom I did not see as she was in the back with another beloved boy or girl, thank you for being there for Alvin and for loving my boy. They were family and I appreciate them.

Later in the day I had a conversation with Alvin’s Doctor Zhou from Guardian who answered some questions I had, lessening some of the guilt that I feel. They are so good at Guardian. Not only professional but have such hearts. Such a hard job but so rewarding.

The outpouring of love for my Alvin is real and I am so appreciative. Everyone is telling me stories about him and how much he touched their lives.

I need to get moving. A walk to Shoppers to pick up a Seniors Bus pass (cannot believe that I am a senior) and a few items from the grocery store. Good to get some fresh air. Alvin will be with me as he always is …….

My whole house reminds me of him and will continue to keep him in the forefront of my mind and he will always be in the majority of the real estate in my heart.

Thank you to my daughter and son-in-law for all they do and for their love and support each and every day.

Continuing to live this life with kindness, respect, compassion, patience, love, laughter, understanding, gratitude, focus, possibilities and coffee.

Always, Carol & Alvin, my forever Angel.

Thought for the day …..

Good Morning and Welcome to Monday the 30th day of May, 2016.

Overcast and dreary looking outside.

Just what one would envision a Monday morning.

Not always I guess.

 

Well the garage sale ended up being a great success.

Lots of people came out and although everything did not sell – we did well.

Most people were nice.

Some wanted to haggle the price from more than reasonable to almost nothing.

Two people said they would buy something so I put the items to the side and they never came back.

Why do people do that?

Everyone made some money and I made what I needed to…

It was a gorgeous day and I was so grateful.

One thing I will note is that I do not have a car and mostly everyone drove up in big fancy vehicles?

Those are the ones that always want something for nothing?

Just an observation.

 

 

Alvin came home later in the afternoon and it was just like in the movies.

He came running to the door but his leash got him only until the top step…. until his sister caught up.

Once in the house he ran to the back door and then back to me ….. gave me a kiss and then back and forth.

He was so happy to be home.

I know that he had a great time with his sister and family.

My son-in-law took him on a nice long walk.

I even managed after a seven hour garage sale day to go to the bank, get groceries and my bus pass.

DONE.

We had a nice quiet evening.

Supper was later than usual but enjoyable.

 

Well here we go again time to leave for work.

Where did the night go?

Where did the weekend go?

 

Happy Monday.

Special Hello to: my sister Рsorry I completely forgot about SKYPE.  How about next Sunday?

 

Always, Carol and Alvin

 

Thought for the day …..

Good Morning and Welcome to Monday the 31st day of August, 2015.

The last day of August ….. coming into my favourite season.

Just a few weeks until it is official.

The weather is changing although the weekend was warm.

Great time to be outside.

Alvin and I spent quite a bit of time outside ….

I am so grateful that my guy is feeling better.

The morning sky to the south as I gaze out the office window is a beautiful hue of mixed blue, pink and white.

Or at least that is what my eyes are seeing ….

How wonderful.

This week is supposed to be a bit more seasonal but still beautiful.

Almost forgot to pick up my bus pass …. better do that after work.

We had a great Saturday and Sunday despite the tree deal.

I am so sad that I will have to chop down my tree in the front yard.

It is so beautiful but alas cannot have the roots going into the basement or that will be another set of problems.

We chopped the roots that were getting near to the house and then will decide in spring the next course of action.

I am sad …. never nice to have to do something like this.

Breaks my heart …..

I love trees …. I love my tree.

Soon the leaves will begin to turn yellow …. they are such a pretty yellow.

I will enjoy them even more this year.

Well I guess it is time to get downstairs and gather my lunch and put on my shoes.

Get on my way to work.

I hope that you have an amazing Monday.

Enjoy this last day of August, 2015 …..

Special Hello to: my friend “P” who is coming to visit in just a few sleeps …. so excited.

Always, Carol and Alvin

Thought for the day ……

Good Morning and Welcome to Monday the 6th day of July, 2015.

It is bright and sunny with a very slight breeze here in Edmonton.

By the end of the day yesterday it was shorts weather once again.

We had a lovely Sunday me and Mr. Alvin.

Well Mr. Alvin is still getting used to his new “stool” (ottoman) for the bed.

I thought because it was longer and a bit wider than everything else we have tried that he would like it.

Not sure at this point.

He will jump onto the bed using it as a halfway jumping point but hesitates coming down.

He looks as though he is studying it carefully ….. then jumps avoiding the ottoman landing on the rug.

I have a narrow piece of carpet that is placed carefully under the ottoman to give it extra grip.

Hopefully he will get the hang of it and be comfortable using it.

He has such short little legs, and he is now middle age so I want him to be careful.

Man, can he jump.

For a little guy he has a high long jump.

Oh dear, me Alvin….. what shall we do……

I just worry about him …….

Well back to work after having a few days off followed by the weekend …. it was a glorious five days.

I sure do love being at home…..

Well here it is almost time to leave for work ….. picked up my bus pass yesterday so that is good.

Wishing you a Happy ….. Happy Monday.

Special Hello to: my daughter …. thank you for a great Saturday …… it was so much fun…..

Always, Carol and Alvin

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