Good Morning! The sky is overcast this morning and we had a light dusting of snow overnight or early this morning, I am not quite certain. It all seems so surreal as I am no longer turning on the bedroom light, grabbing some sock, my phone and then picking up Alvin to carry him downstairs where I would grab my coat and boots which were at the back door and then head outside with him. Once we were done outside then back into the house where I would wipe off his paws and then of course, off with the coat and boots and then head to the sofa for more sleep. Sometimes the boots would come off first and then wipe his paws, depends if he got away on me. It was our routine for many years. So between the two seniors we usually were up a minimum of twice per night but only once did we head downstairs. Now when I get up during the night if I do, I walk to the bathroom in the dark and back to bed in the dark. I know the path quite well. Now when get up during the work week, I get ready first and write this post before heading downstairs. Really feels strange. The first time I open the blinds is when I go downstairs. No longer am I snuggling up to Mr. Alvin under our red blanket on the sofa. The last time I slept on the sofa was with Alvin. I expect to see him when I wake up beside me and keep checking for him when I come upstairs and always when I sit on the sofa as he would always be right beside me. We were/are creatures of habit and routine. We had a routine for many years. Every time that I eat a banana or some food that he loved, I apologize to him as I feel guilty that I am eating and he is not. Our lives are complicated and in death even more so. Our relationships are our feelings with each other. My best buddy is gone and unfortunately there is no amount of missing him, loving him or guilt that will return him to me and I have to learn to live with this change. Yes, change. We are always having to live with things being different. Sometimes our lives are different each and every day and as humans we are not equipped so much with dealing with change as we are creatures mainly set up for routine and habit.
Yesterday a friend reached out in the morning while I was having some coffee to see if she could stop by and drop off something for me. I was only having coffee anyway so I invited her to come for coffee and we ended up visiting for well over two hours. We had a good chat. There were tears and hugs and gentle reminders. My friend Jami gave me a “wooden rainbow bridge with both human and dog figures” so beautiful. I had never seen one before and it is so beautiful. Another thoughtful and kind gesture. I am reminded by just how much Alvin was loved and I guess me, too. So on those days when I feel lonely and the house feels empty without him by myself, I will think of all the love that has and will continue to surround me and Alvin. I am so glad that I have his ashes back home. He still follows me around the house. Well only during the day and at night. He has a special place where he can look out the window during the day and at night he watches over me from my beside the bed. I want to keep him safe and do not wish any accidents. After Jami left, my friend Gillian picked me up for a trip to Costco and then to Save-On for groceries. I so appreciate my friends. She always makes me smile. Shopping is a welcome distraction from the every day. Once back home, we chatted for awhile before she left and I put all of the groceries away. It was way later than I thought by that time so I spent about one hour copying and pasting photos from the old computer to the external hard drive. It is quite the exercise but it needs to be done and I will spend some time today working on the photos as well.
Supper is always strange for me. I think that is when I feel the most as food was Alvin’s thing. He was a foodie and loved to eat and loved to sit beside me on the sofa and watch me, hoping that he could have a little something. For a long time he was able to have some vegetables and fruit so I always ate raw vegetables with my supper and shared a bit with him. It was our routine and it made both of us so happy. Now, there is no paw being raised and no beautiful brown eyes starring at me waiting for me to give him a piece of a carrot or broccoli or cauliflower or whatever …… that makes me sad. Yes, he had manners. I always have thought that having manners was so important to have whether you were human or a pup for that matter. I taught him how to raise his paw which was our “ask nice.” Oh, how I miss him.
Last night two sister friends of mine whose parents live in the neighbourhood came to pay their respects. They brought with them, their little dog named Rio. Rio and Alvin were friends. He sniffed around the house looking for Alvin. Rio turned 11 in December. Susana and Malena gave me a beautiful frame with a charm memento attached and a most thoughtful card. We drank tea and we girls chatted.
I am so grateful to live in this amazing neighbourhood where we support each other. So many wonderful friends. I am truly blessed. Today our friend Alyaa is stopping by for tea. She looked after Alvin most of the time when I returned to the office three times each week starting in October. She truly loved Alvin. She will be coming later this afternoon.
Well I had better head downstairs and put on the coffee. While the coffee is perking, I will grab the laundry that is drying in the basement and then put it away. Once the coffee is ready, I will start working on the photos. I still have several thousands to move and I want to get them done as soon as possible. I must remember to leave my phone and volume turned on as some friends mentioned about calling/texting today.
As I look out of the office window, I see that it is now snowing.
Continuing to live this life with kindness, respect, compassion, patience, love, laughter, understanding, gratitude, focus, possibilities, coffee and forgiveness.
Always, Carol & Alvin (my forever Angel)
My New Life @ 51 