Morning. The sun was coming up when I first started to read this post. I decided to read back over the last couple of months regarding Alvin. The sun is now shining and the sky is a pretty blue. The temperature is supposed to be warming up and I am grateful. I cannot believe that my darling Alvin has been gone for almost one week. My heart is broken. There are no words and I know that I cannot change the ending of our story and it sucks. I miss him so much. The house is empty without him.
Yesterday afternoon a friend and neighbour came over with a beautiful plant arrangement and cards. Crystal loved Alvin and when I had texted them on Saturday, her husband gave her the news. She as am I are in disbelief. How can our beloved Alvin be gone? Really, how did this happen? We should be snuggling on the sofa and I should be having a conversation with him. Crystal has had to say goodbye to two beloved dogs over the years and I remember her last Daisy. She was a dolly and Alvin loved her. They used to play in the grass. I wished that I had photos of them together but I do not. I also forgot to add Miss Daisy to the list of Angels. He has company. She adopted Stella shortly after Daisy passed as the hurt was too great and then a couple of years later adopted Issy. My friend said that you will have always guilt and wondering why? Crystal is also a Nurse and said that most Vets as well as Doctors seems to treat the symptoms instead of investigating to see why there are problems in the first place. That was this case. By the time tests were actually done, he was in a bad place. I should have pushed earlier. That is something I will regret for the rest of my life. They are our responsibility and I clearly let him down. I was his voice and his protector and I did not. I keep going over everything in my head. Nothing I say or do or think at this point will bring him back, I so wished that it would. All that I can do from this point, is try to breathe and live this life which has been shattered. I am not looking forward to going back to work. But I suppose the drama of that place will give me a different focus for those hours.
I am trying to keep the good memories in the fore front of my brain, of my mind but perhaps it is too soon for that ….. I do not know. My life was touched by the best “heart” ever to be born on this planet. Alvin was the best. He was sweet, kind, stubborn, loving, cuddly, smart, funny and so much more. I was truly blessed to have had him in my life ….. I did not ask for him but he found me and that was a miracle. He was my miracle. Alvin you blessed my life with your presence. I shall miss you and there is a canyon of a hole in my heart that will never heal. I do not want it to heal as it will keep you real.
Trying to remember to live this life with kindness, respect, compassion, patience, love, laughter, understanding, gratitude, focus, possibilities and coffee.
Always, Carol & Alvin, my forever Angel.